This marks my 19th Valentine's Day I've celebrated solo. I keep trying to tell myself it is no big deal, the holiday is totally commercialized anyway. But its not working. This weekend I went on a Catholic retreat called Give Your Heart Away. It was a service retreat meant to bring the focus off of the relationship aspect of the holiday and more on God's love. Whether that actually happened is debatable.
I can't help myself but I naturally hate people who have some elaborate, cute, impossibly unrealistic story about how they met their significant other. I just feel like they are rubbing it in my face.The last thing I want to hear is how he said he wanted to marry you on the second date. Oh please. It's not that I don't believe that love can happen like that. I'm just tired of waiting for it.
I want that guy that is going to ask me out on a date after just meeting me. I want someone to tell me that I'm pretty. I'm tired of all the flirting that goes no where.
Just thinking of Valentine's Day, makes the backs of my eyes fill up with painful tears, which I'm struggling to keep in. I don't want to see everyone in the world having their special plans with their loved ones tomorrow. Especially those who I've loved, but never had.
The other thing that got me about the retreat, is that they kept pushing us to consider religious life. The worst part of them pushing it, is that they kept insisting they weren't pushing us. They also said, do what makes you happy and I can tell you right now I will not be happy as a nun. I don't want to consider it. I shouldn't have to, I'm a young fairly attractive woman, why should I be thinking about not being loved for the rest of my life? I shouldn't.
People keep saying to wait and be patient and when I least expect it he'll appear. We'll...I've never really been expecting it. Besides how can one forget you are completely alone in this world? You can't.
If I ever find my someone on a Valentine's Day, I don't even think I'd really want to celebrate it, because I'd remember how I felt spending it alone. And know that someone out there is feeling the same thing. The last thing I want to do is rub it in their face.