Thursday, April 7, 2011


For some reason I've always struggled with relationships of the romantic sort. I'm constantly trying to figure out why I'm 19 years old and have only had one "real" boyfriend, for one month (those elementary boys didn't count). It's frightfully depressing, especially when I see people younger than me and not to be mean but weirder than me in a relationship. I'm decent looking, I'm a little over five feet tall, thin, blonde hair, glasses, acne that is clearing up (FINALLY), and a larger bust (which I hate). I know it's not all about looks, but then what is it? Intelligence? I've got that too, perhaps too much of it. I'm a good person. I go to church, involved in multiple kinds of volunteering, love kids, love laughing, love sarcasm, I'm a very easy person to get along with. I have lots of varied interests; books, travel, cooking, ukulele, uni-cycling.I'm by no means perfect, I'm a neat freak and I stress out about a lot. I can't but thinking if I had someone to share the load with I wouldn't be so stressed though.
The problem as far as I have been able to determine is that I can't get past the "friend" stage with guys. And most of my friends are guys. I get along better with guys because I don't like to talk about feelings and gossip! Two things guys don't do. Growing up with two brothers probably has something to do with this. I always had to play whatever they liked or I'd have to play alone. Therefore I know a thing or two about video games. But is that where I loose out? Do guys want a girl they can play video games with? Or do they want a girl they can teach to play video games? Having that bonding moment, is that what I'm missing. I'm not entirely into playing and watching sports. I hate football. But I can keep up with the worlds of soccer and basketball.
One thing I've noticed is that guys like to pick on me or argue with me. I have very strong opinions and am passionate about certain things like the environment. And my guy friends are constantly poking fun at how they just bought a truck that gets 17 miles to the gallon or they try and throw away a plastic bottle in front of me. So they like to see me squeal, get angry, frustrated, and try to hit them? Why push my buttons? What do you gain from that?
I don't know, but the problem is I like it? Or rather most of the time I don't get mad, but take it as flirting? When I'm grabbing that bottle out of their hands and telling them to stop I'm smiling and most of the time so are they. So is it like in elementary school where if a guy picks on you that means he likes you?
Every guy I've ever liked either finds another girl, already has a girl friend, is too young, or ends up preferring just to be friends.
At least once a week I try to hang out with the girls. We grab a meal and just catch up. As it inevitably happens with girls, the conversation always turns to boys. We end up going around the table sharing how our relationships with our boyfriends are going, what gift they bought us, what we did with them last weekend, the funny thing they said, etc. it goes on. I love to hear these stories, they are sweet stories and I can tell that my friends are happy, which makes me happy. Then it's my turn..."Still no guys in my life I reply". We all have a good laugh, I'm not sure why. It's not like it's funny, I guess it's just nervous tension. My friends don't know how to deal with me, they can't comfort me. I'm so distant, in another place and stage of life. We can no longer relate to one another. It's not like I'm single by choice, guys are lining up to ask me out and I'm not turning them all down. More than anything I'd love to share a story about me and my beau, not only because it would make my friends more comfortable or I would feel normal, but because I legitimately want someone else in my life. I feel the empty space and I want it filled. It's more of a human need than a physical selfish want too.
I guess I'll just wait until I'm 28 and a half. Thanks Fransico. That's another story in itself. 

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